


show me what it's like

by zukoandtheoc



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Divergent from Wanted, Fluff, Fusion, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Slash, Spoilers for Episode: s05e01-04 Wanted, Trans Character, Trans Lars (Steven Universe), angst maybe, i dont know just take this, i guess, lars is confused, leave me alone, steven doesnt actually appear but lars is thinking about him a lot, the title is from a nickelback song, this is fluff right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-22 03:50:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11371986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zukoandtheoc/pseuds/zukoandtheoc
Summary: Lars reflects on what it was like to fuse with Steven.





	show me what it's like

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [dancing in the moonlight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11150181) by [abyssith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abyssith/pseuds/abyssith). 



Lars sat on the beach, fingers digging into the sand. It’d been a week since he’d last come to this spot, on a night quite like this one, in fact; a warm ocean breeze carrying the scent of saltwater in from the sea, moonlight dancing across the water, waves playing with the reflections of stars. It was beautiful. It was almost perfect.

Almost.

The only difference is, this time, Lars was alone.

Lars wrapped his arms around himself, smiling softly. For the past week, he’d been replaying the scene in his mind, remembering what it felt like, to be… Stars.

He snorted affectionately. He still thought it was a ridiculous name, but some of Steven’s love for it must have rubbed off on him while they were fused. His smile grew wider, and he rested his forehead on his knees, hiding his face as if there were anyone around to see him grinning like a fool. But he couldn’t stop thinking about how happy Stars had felt, to be the physical manifestation of this… bond between him and Steven, whatever it was, whatever these feelings meant.

Lars thought it might have something to do with what Steven had said to him trying to convince him to go to the potluck, or the conversation they’d had while stuck on the ship together. Maybe it was the way Steven had insisted Lars go back to Earth without him, or how he had pleaded with the Diamonds to let Lars go. Maybe it was Steven’s hand on his chest, both their hearts beating far too fast, the bravery and compassion in his eyes when he told Lars it’s okay to be afraid.

Maybe it was something to do with Steven, tears in his eyes, holding on to Lars like he would disappear again if he let go.

Lars ran a hand across his face, lingering over the seam splitting his right eye, stitched back together by Steven’s magic. Stars had worn it proudly, thinking of it as a symbol of the bond between his two components. Lars tried to do the same, thinking of the courage he’d discovered down in those tunnels, courage that had saved the Off-Colors and killed him; he thought of Steven, so full of compassion and emotion and love, love that brought Lars back to life.

And Stars had been both of those things, courageous and loving and so much more, and Lars had never known that one could feel things so _deeply_. He wondered if that was a fusion thing, or if Steven felt and loved so intensely all the time. The thought of it was overwhelming, and it all filled Lars with such a deep respect for Steven, and something else that he couldn’t quite name. He was grateful beyond words that Steven had trusted him enough to share so much with him, and he remembered feeling how proud Steven was of him for trying to, wanting to understand.

And he did, more than anything. Now more than ever, he wanted to understand what it was like for Steven. He thought of the memories Stars had seen, the ones Steven had offered up freely. Lars could still feel the wind in Steven’s hair, hand skimming over the trees below as he explained Earth to Lapis; he could still hear the crushing silence, see the stars tinted pink through Steven’s bubble, the only protection he had while drifting through space alone. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. How Steven could go through so much, and yet still be so kind – it amazed him, and inspired him.

Lars cast a fond glance over his shoulder at the beach house and the temple towering behind it. The house was silent, not a light shining through the windows; it was empty. Steven and the Gems had gone to the barn to work on… well, Lars hadn’t fully understood Pearl’s explanation of the project, some sort of techno-babble about tungsten and energy shields and honestly he had stopped paying attention to the specifics halfway through, but he knew it had something to do with preparing for a fight with Homeworld. Steven had asked if he wanted to join them, meet Peridot and Lapis, see the Off-Colors again, but Lars had declined. He knew that he would inevitably be part of whatever was to come for Earth, perhaps more so than any other human besides maybe Connie, but he wasn’t ready yet to venture back into the world of Gems and intergalactic conflict, not so soon after making it home. He wanted more time to spend with his family, his friends, the people he had missed so desperately while he was in space; he needed time to settle in to who he was now, to how he had changed in his time away from home.

He didn’t know anything about Gem technology or whatever anyway. He’d only be in the way at the barn.

Still, he found himself missing Steven. Not the same way as when he’d been stranded on Homeworld, but the feeling was there all the same. The memory of Steven’s head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat… Lars scoffed at himself. Only a couple of years ago, he’d been annoyed by the younger boy’s very existence, only interacting with him to make fun of him. It was amazing how a couple of heartfelt talks, a couple of alien invasions and being stranded in space together could build a friendship, not to mention the whole resurrection thing.

After all of that, after what he had been through with Steven, what Steven had shared with him, so many of Lars’ more earthly problems seemed so… small. Yet he knew that Steven didn’t think of them that way, because Stars hadn’t. He had treated each of Lars’ memories with the same reverence as he had treated Steven’s, despite Lars feeling that nothing he had to offer could come close to measuring up to Steven. But Stars had taken them anyway, the good along with the bad, the joy, the fear, everything. Lars trusted Steven as much as, maybe even more than, the younger boy trusted him. He’d shared that trust in the form of the first time he learned to make ube, dancing around the kitchen with his mother, red hair pulled back into pigtails, purple splotches staining little hands and a frilly pink apron. He’d shared the moment he’d come out to his parents, confused and afraid with no words yet for what he was feeling, only hot tears that blurred his vision and made it hard to breathe when he said _I don’t feel like a girl_.

He’d felt that same fear again when they had unfused, words catching in his throat as he looked at Steven. _"I wanted to face you after you learned about... me."_ He’d been so afraid, and for what? Of course Steven accepted him without question. Lars didn’t know why he ever doubted it. On some level, he’d known his fears had been unfounded, unlike when he’d come out to his parents. He’d changed so much since then in more ways than one, and somewhere between starting his transition and, well, dying and being resurrected, he’d gained some semblance of self esteem. But there was still part of him that couldn’t help but doubt, still that fear that he couldn’t keep from rising like bile in his throat. He wasn’t sure if that would ever go away, but he was working on trying to be okay with that.

_It’s okay to be afraid,_ Steven had said. He replayed the words in his mind, over and over, until they became part of him.

He didn’t know what the future held, for him, for Steven, for Earth. But he was coming to realize, no matter what came next, nothing could keep them apart. Not even death.

He was afraid. Maybe even a little terrified.

But he was going to be okay.


End file.
